Today, I opened Microsoft Excel to do a project and soon found myself weeping angry angry tears on my couch.
It’s just not right. It’s not right that my Dad isn’t on the other side to be able to call when I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do. It’s funny how the small things seem to cut the deepest. You prepare yourself and build up your defenses for the big ones, but the small ones catch you off guard and cut deeply.
I missed being able to call you when I was moving into a new house. I missed you being here to get everything perfectly set up and organized. I missed you when I held a baby and rocked him to sleep and thought about what an incredible grandpa you would have been.
Gosh, I hate it.
I hate that there are no answers and only tears and anger and hurt and gaps.
Big giant gaps with your name written all over it that only you know how to fill with your easy going, steadfast, long-suffering presence. Your presence that carried a peacefulness that put everyone around you at ease, yet you knew that if you needed the slightest thing you would move mountains without asking questions.
Grief doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense that angry tears on a leather couch somehow mean progress.
I’ve found myself questioning and challenging everything I’ve ever believed, shaken to my core, and amidst all of it just missing you, your presence, your voice, and the way you saw and knew me.
Today is the start of November. Another start to another month of another season that you won’t see and I hate it. I’m tired of trying to tell myself to look at the trees and tell myself that death is beautiful because it isn’t. It’s painful and heart wrenching and it is a deep soul pain that I have felt in the most real and physical sense.
I wasn’t prepared for this. Every book I read and movie that I watched was a story that involved some kind of conflict or difficulty or hurt but it always ended in resolution. No one wants to go watch a story of a broken heart that just stays broken, a losing team that just keeps losing, or a Dad that fights with all of his strength for his life and dies a week later.
I’m tired of the mundane. I’m tired of the clicks and ticks and noises that remind me that time keeps passing. I hate the word passed. I’m tired of telling people that you passed. You did so much more. You were so much more that you deserve a bigger and richer word.
I don’t get how to make sense of the lack of resolution, how to find a God that knows all and sees all and is in control of all and loves His children in the greyest of grey areas I have ever known.
Even as the words are being formed from my mind to the tips of my fingers I’m telling myself these thoughts aren’t okay. It’s not okay to not be okay and we aren’t okay with people that aren’t okay. We aren’t okay with death, loss, grieving, and feelings. We’re barely okay with someone responding “okay” instead of good when you ask them how they’re doing in the least sincere way.
But as much as stories with unhappy endings make us angry, we don’t know how to enter into our own, better yet the ones around us. The loose ends confuse us and make us question what we believe and hold to be true. So we stay away.
But You know my frame. You remember that I am only dust.
I read these words in Psalm 103 and was honestly kind of offended at first. Oh I’m only dust? I am barely surviving by the 20 minute break that allowed me to rush to Starbucks and get an extra shot in my latte to do all that today asked of me and I’m only dust?!
But I am. I am only dust and the only context that my small, small frame has ever known and felt and believed is dust. The dust that formed the world around me as You spoke it into existence. The dust that you took to form a man to use his rib to create the woman who would become the mother of all creation, of all that I know, of all that I’ve loved, of all that I’ve lost. Dust.
Its make up makes it seem so very small, so minuscule, so inadequate of grieving, questioning, and beating up against all I have ever known. But that is the very heart of the problem, that all I have ever known is dust.
But you are a God that knows all and sees all and is in control of all and loves His children enough to believe for them when they don’t have the framework that all we have ever seen and known and held dear is dust. It’s vanishing, dissolving, frail, and messy. You see us as the child C. S. Lewis describes satisfied making mud pies because she has never known a holiday at the sea. You lead us by still waters. You restore our souls because you have given them glimpses of more than the dust we have known. Like the little pieces of asphalt that reflect and sparkle the light of the sun. Amidst our mediocrity and inadequacy there are pieces of something more.
So I’m done clinging to the old and the rugged. I’m holding fast to believing that amidst the grey and the dust and the emptiness and my frailty, You understand that I am only dust. But you know there is so much more. And on the other side of dust and limited glimpses is resolution. And in the dust, You are still creating.